So there is but fire In you, in me?

Afternoon. I've just come back from walking in the rain. The air outside is warmer than in the house, and the low grey clouds, a damp blanket. Above me thunder rolling continually. I wanted the lighting to strike me. This thought turned up unbidden. And as I held onto my umbrella imagining the millions of volts and cascading elections, it was such a delicious, forbidden thought. The pleasure of absolute fearlessness. Today has been about theory Reading articles about the mind Asking myself, well then... what is my theory... Eventually it seemed to me that anxiety is like a starting motor, compelling a person into action. But it is a type of anxiety that can't be resolved, there is no target to hit, or enemy to avoid. The awareness of an anxious person is locked. Fixated on the false target that feels as hollow to them as it sounds to me. And any lessons that self-awarness could create from the experience, doesn't happen. Nothing moves or changes. Or, if it does..

When the psychiatric team arrived I stayed where I was in the living room, and used the time to phone up about the nMRI scan... The company a person buys a scan from had tried to contact Josh. ...Josh wont answer his phone. I gave the nMRI company my phone number. I left my phone in the kitchen with instructions... And went to college. On return Josh told me a consultant had phoned him, and that a scan will be arranged. So, that's good. Josh is deep in recriminations this morning So I listen a while and then say, 'this is more self recrimination.' And You will be able to make better decisions after you have had the scan. It feels better to be able to say this instead of 'you cannot know' or 'you need to ask a doctor'. It feels much better to be able to say with truth and certainty - look, your experience is something and we have found the best way we can, to check out the possibilities' I don't expect it to stop the monologue about brai

I've left Josh slumped in the garden. I've come to the computer to get some work done. I can't tell what I'm feeling So, I guess this is anxiety? Anxiety is the affect of fear - the non-conscious detection of threat (Damasio 1999). I suppose this means, I recognize things are wrong on a deeper level than my conscious brain can deal with. So, what's going on? I'm dreading the doctor's visit tomorrow (conscious recognition of threat...). I'm feeling bad for leaving Josh in the garden, but I can't talk about his beliefs with him again, I'm too aware of our conversation being over heard. Terrace house, small garden, everything is overlooked...I'm angry because the problems my husband and I have with each other were being worked through. This involved arguments. The empty nest suited me! how can I express my feelings of hurt and anger if I have to be quiet and nice (when I'm none of those things!) I'm angry that Josh is Servic

The mindfulness lady sort of does a kind of CBT. I think? I don't know what she does, because I've never stayed in the room when she visits my son. And - it was mindfulness lady who told Josh that she was worried about him and would talk to another doctor. About going to hospital. It was mindfulness lady who turned up with a social worker. And it was mindfulness lady who knocked on the door yesterday, while Josh was out - getting biscuits - and who asked me how I was feeling... I told her. And she said that she 'knew how that must feel' and I said 'no, no you really do not know' The word patronizing was looping through my mind. Because their script never wavers, 'he must take his drugs'... She said, 'why did you think he would be sectioned?' Me: you came here with a social worker and on Monday two doctors were present. She laughed...'She was a trainee social worker who was with me as part of her training, and I don't think

Thursday didn't start well. 9 am, Josh wasn't up... I went into his room And he had gone. I don't know how many minutes it took before I was a crumpled, sobbing mess. The worst visions spinning through my mind Specifically of his freind, who had taken a similar path to Josh Except he had been taken into hospital. It is impossible now for me not to beleive that that experience was instrumental in the end. About a year latter he climbed out of a window, and went to the rail tracks. And the other voice The one that says sensible things like, 'For goodness sake, he has every right to go out for a walk and every right to expect me to be ok about it' kept up its monologue.. As I let the panic run through me, calculating the effect of phoning people.. Asking myself who I could talk to to get me down, from this absolute panic... In the end I phoned my husband (who didn't answer the phone because he was at work. Then got my phone and filmed myself ta

It is hard to like the word Rationalization It's a word I don't trust. But I guess it is where we are. We are at rationalization A kind of Ground Zero. My rationalization is this. I can't take the pressure the mental health team have put us under. The equation - Service User takes his medication or we section him Is too much for me. I believe there is a tipping point between anxiety fixating on something and becoming a cover story, a way to avoid the discomfort of reality that can shift a person away from eccentric and into dysfunctional mad. And that is where Service User has got himself. He struggled on. Avoiding the real issue. And tipped. Anxiety rendered his hippocampus unable to do what a hippocampus does. He was functionally demented. But the hippocampus recovers. Slowly When the cause of anxiety is gone... Enough days without adrenaline and he will recover And Service User began to.. And then the sectioning and pressure to take t

This is worse than I thought... Section 3 made sense to me - detaining someone because they could be at risk of serious harm to themselves or others. Section 2 is about accepting treatment. I personally believe if a person with a mental health problem wont take medication, but there is a plan in place to work on their cognition and feelings, even though this is a long term treatment, the Service User has a right to be listened to. My son equates SSIs with poison. And getting him to take medication is in effect like asking him to kill himself. You know, taking my son to hospital for severe anxiety, was the worst mistake of my life... Transcript of dialogue between me and psychiatrist. Dr: Service User, I've got to tell you, so this is your last chance I don't want to but I have no choice but to put you on a section 2 taken into hospital under a section 2." Me: and I also need you to know that I am unwilling to give my consent to that. Dr: you are willing. Me:

You know what... My tutor was so right when she said "Always trust your gut feelings!" Slowly over the weekend it has dawned upon me exactly why there is no hope. Please, think about this for a moment: Josh has a story which is crazy, but nevertheless, there is something workable in there. But the staff of the mental health team have not been open or honest with us.  I'd say that they have lied.  I feel powerless, they have made me feel that I am wrong to ask questions.  They have pressurized us into agreeing with their single answer to all problems (take the meds), And they have used hospitalization as a threat. This is how they treat people. Josh was screaming at the thought of seeing them the week before. That's how much better they make him feel. Happy, cared for? No. Therapeutic? No. Talking to them makes me feel depressed because their agenda is so bloody reductive! I am beginning to see why they worry about suicide. Anxiety and depression are

Bear in mind, last week before the visit of the mental health team, Josh ran out of the house and was screaming because he didn't want to see them. Bear in mind that this week, Josh just crept out of the house so that we didn't know that he had gone - because he didn't want to see them. Understand that he doesn't switch his phone on in case the 'Mindfulness lady' gets in touch. So...this afternoon, there was a knock on the door and... It was Mindfulness lady plus another. Introduced as a social worker. I was asked; 'How would you feel about your son being sectioned'? Well.. Let me see... What do you do when you are in a room with a tiger? Remain calm, appear rational, don't make any sudden moves. Do not panic. I said that I could see why they thought that he was in a really bad way. The fact that he hadn't been in such a bad way before their intervention is a truth that has to wait! I played the CBT card, I pointed out that as his environ

Yesterday was as bad as it has ever been. Tuesday was awful, awful. And the stress took away my humanity. Yesterday I wouldn't listen to the constant monologue Josh keeps up about what he should have done. I couldn't even give eye contact. I was hurt and angry So angry that he wouldn't take his medication.. We went to the doctors for his 'booking visit' with the practice nurse, a situation that brought up anxiety for him and I hadn't got anything left. As I sat with him I ignored him. I couldn't say anything to him I'd just had enough and wanted out. This morning I awoke full of stress. Belly full of porcupines... A text from a freind I stood in the kitchin replying to her as the kettle began to boil.. It dawned on me that if this was a game by the medical team, or even if it isn't a game, the result is that we are focusing on the medication as the most important factor - which is a sensible aim, I agree... But the result of pu

Yesterday I was expecting to return to hear that we would be taking Josh to the hospital, and I could bear it. So I was in college. In theory, this is a safe space where I could be honest. In reality I covered it all up Though I told one or two of my friends what was really going on for me. When the tutor asked us one by one  ' Quick, what is your greatest fear?' I just said 'maths' and pulled a face. Further round the class, others said, 'loosing their children' I thought then, how good I am at pulling down the blast shutters and keeping the explosions inside myself... At dinner time I returned home. The doctor was pleased with Service User. The Mindfulness lady will continue to visit. And could Service User take his Citalopram in the morning because it would be more effective? And "If Service User continues to take his meds, he can have a CT scan..." I could almost hear the doctor chucking to himself about how putting the fear about

I feel as if we are at a crossroads. And I'm taking the easy way out of tomorrow - when the doctor visits - leaving my husband to deal with what ever may be coming down the line towards us. I'm at college tomorrow, so I will come home at dinner time to see what's happened, and probably nothing will have happened or it will all have happened. Either way, I'm glad to duck out of it as much as possible because I feel as if I've dealt with most of it so far. I'm not good at cooperative probably, but mostly I feel that I've made most of the decisions because I'm the one aware of what's happening...only because I don't look away. It is a sore point for me - I feel crushed and unsupported. The college provides counselling - but somehow the booking system just goes astray. I could phone up the automated ' leave a message' side again, but is that going to be working any better than the email side? Well, either way. No counselling eithe

Service User told me that the mindfulness lady was not coming today. I guess she thought that she should. Because he had said Don't. Well she came anyway... As per usual I left the room. Seems kind of wrong for me to be there, I see her as a counseller. It's his opportunity to talk freely to someone.. Latter As we sat down to dinner I asked him how it went. He said... "I probably said some things I shouldn't.  S he asked to speak to you and I said no.  "She said I may have to go to hospital, she is going to talk to another doctor" All of last night and today, Josh has been pacing, looking in the mirror, and he is beginning to really look ill now. Also I am feeling unwell. And this is totally psychological! So I can imagine how he has got himself to be so ill. I know that I've found this last month so stressful I've done my best to dive down into relaxation. Usually in the wee small hours. You know how lying awake used to be a b

The doctor's visit is something I have changed my mind about. I'm sure it sounds ungrateful of me to say that I don't really value a consultant psychiatrist coming to my home, to advise us on the best way to proceed. But that is largely because... He has only one thing to say: Take your meds! He can say it fast Or slow Get angry even But no... Service user isn't going to take them... I decided to ask some questions last week. I wanted to know what kind of care plan is in place. If they wanted to know anything about us as a family If there were any support groups for families. How about CBT? And what happens if 'the service user' doesn't take the meds? There was me thinking that these questions were important.... The doctor sat opposite me with the nurse at the kitchen table And the air became as thick as treacle. Support group!!! No. What the doctor wanted to know from me was, how was I going to get the service user to take his meds.