Helpless.
Afternoon.
I've just come back from walking in the rain. The air outside is warmer than in the house, and the low grey clouds, a damp blanket. Above me thunder rolling continually. I wanted the lighting to strike me. This thought turned up unbidden. And as I held onto my umbrella imagining the millions of volts and cascading elections, it was such a delicious, forbidden thought. The pleasure of absolute fearlessness.
Today has been about theory
Reading articles about the mind
Asking myself, well then... what is my theory...
Eventually it seemed to me that anxiety is like a starting motor, compelling a person into action. But it is a type of anxiety that can't be resolved, there is no target to hit, or enemy to avoid. The awareness of an anxious person is locked. Fixated on the false target that feels as hollow to them as it sounds to me.
And any lessons that self-awarness could create from the experience, doesn't happen.
Nothing moves or changes.
Or, if it does...it is very slow.
The advice seems to be ' pendulation', going into and out of it.
Don't drown!
And create a safe anchor point, a memory of before it went wrong.
Watching the bad memories as if they were a recording - a DVD.
Start, stop, rewind.
Replaying it now as you wanted it to be.
Josh isn't able to do this yet.
But it provides me with a goal.
I need a plan.
Evening
The storms have stopped.
I've just come home - again.
After dinner isn't a good time...
The comment from husband to Josh 'there's no point just talking about the past'
Said in a way that really got to me...
Meant that I just had to get up and leave.
To walk the streets feeling that there was just nowhere I could go
Trying not to cry...
Taking my phone out of my pocket
Running through who I should phone.
Deciding that my stuff has to stay as my stuff.
Putting my phone back.
Everything just hurts too much.
And feeling self conscious
Not wanting to go home.
Wanting my husband to have tried to find me
Feeling unsupported, no back-up.
The feeling of there being no privacy
At home
Here
Anywhere.
Wondering why I don't walk across the road to the Travelodge.
I've just come back from walking in the rain. The air outside is warmer than in the house, and the low grey clouds, a damp blanket. Above me thunder rolling continually. I wanted the lighting to strike me. This thought turned up unbidden. And as I held onto my umbrella imagining the millions of volts and cascading elections, it was such a delicious, forbidden thought. The pleasure of absolute fearlessness.
Today has been about theory
Reading articles about the mind
Asking myself, well then... what is my theory...
Eventually it seemed to me that anxiety is like a starting motor, compelling a person into action. But it is a type of anxiety that can't be resolved, there is no target to hit, or enemy to avoid. The awareness of an anxious person is locked. Fixated on the false target that feels as hollow to them as it sounds to me.
And any lessons that self-awarness could create from the experience, doesn't happen.
Nothing moves or changes.
Or, if it does...it is very slow.
The advice seems to be ' pendulation', going into and out of it.
Don't drown!
And create a safe anchor point, a memory of before it went wrong.
Watching the bad memories as if they were a recording - a DVD.
Start, stop, rewind.
Replaying it now as you wanted it to be.
Josh isn't able to do this yet.
But it provides me with a goal.
I need a plan.
Evening
The storms have stopped.
I've just come home - again.
After dinner isn't a good time...
The comment from husband to Josh 'there's no point just talking about the past'
Said in a way that really got to me...
Meant that I just had to get up and leave.
To walk the streets feeling that there was just nowhere I could go
Trying not to cry...
Taking my phone out of my pocket
Running through who I should phone.
Deciding that my stuff has to stay as my stuff.
Putting my phone back.
Everything just hurts too much.
And feeling self conscious
Not wanting to go home.
Wanting my husband to have tried to find me
Feeling unsupported, no back-up.
The feeling of there being no privacy
At home
Here
Anywhere.
Wondering why I don't walk across the road to the Travelodge.
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