It's been a while.
As I start writing this, I am recovering my sense of balance s l o w l y. There was a brown lump in close proximity to a long brown smear on the carpet between Josh's room and the bathroom. As I observe I continue, into the bathroom to have my shower, dress, clean my teeth...keep my self together. I go down to the kitchen and describe my observation and ask, does he know how or why or what? He does not. I ask him to check his room, is there any more? No I say 'oh well, perhaps it was you, or my husband, or a cat, or a dog, or Satan himself...I will clear it up and no, I don't want to know if it is what it looks like, so no need to smell it...' He offers to clean it. I say no...I need to do this for my own peace of mind. Thinking to myself, well, I've got nothing else to do.' Since the betrayal (3rd May) I am in bits. The betrayal was nothing to do with Josh, it is now everything to do with my sense of identity and security, my role, my self-value especially as