So there is but fire In you, in me?

We were going to go on an expedition. The one promised from a lifetime ago, when Josh said that he wanted to go to the beer garden...and I said 'we will come back when you are not taking the SSI and you can drink beer...' But this morning began in a way I can't recall... And for reasons I can't remember. I just couldn't take the possibility of him becoming  florid , as I was driving down the motorway. After all been there and done that - the nightmare scenes filling my mind - so I gave him two hours to reassure me by his behavior within those hours. But most of those hours were filled with him being screaming mad. So, here we are. The reasons for the screaming mad? Well for my own sanity and to model 'correct' behavior husband and I have been ignoring his obsessional monologues. They are met with - if any reaction at all - these words: 'I believe this is an obsessional thought. I refuse to think about it, and I will not get into a discussion'. So, in

Realizing that OCD fits the symptoms demonstrated by Josh explains why the SSI and anti-psychotic drugs had zero effect on his repetitive, endless, self-recriminations. The stuff about Satan and Christ and being in Hell were fueled by morphine, Tramadol and the rest of the drugs, while his obsessional, compulsive thinking magnifies any emotive thing that crosses his mind. And it will remain so until he realizes that he is the cause of his own despair. How many people are in our position? How many families around the country are trying not to get sucked into the whirlpool of mental torment and twaddle OCD creates? There are targets to be reached every month - August is dealing with hyper-vigilance - meaning I need to see serious attempts by Josh that he is beginning to recognize when a wave of anxiety begins.

 On Wednesday we went to see my husband's family; his sister and dad. The reek of urine was unmistakable...as we walked in to the house. The stench of urine in her room was overwhelming. More about that later. Father-in-Law runs on resentment and repressed anger, he was pleased to see Josh though, but it didn't take very long for the same old themes to reoccur - about how he is too busy 'with this lot' (meaning his daughter) to get a GP to see her. On digging a little deeper the next excuse is that he doesn't want to upset her because she will start swearing, but he would think about allowing the doctor to see her if my husband (his son) was there too. At that point Josh and I went upstairs to see his  Aunty, who likewise was once a ServiceUser. I think my mind has shut quite a lot of it out now... But she was fairly happy - is the best I can say. Lank, greasy, unwashed hair, clothes.... Her legs are now contracted in that way the legs of coma patients go, unless th