Aunty service user.

 On Wednesday we went to see my husband's family; his sister and dad.

The reek of urine was unmistakable...as we walked in to the house.

The stench of urine in her room was overwhelming.

More about that later.

Father-in-Law runs on resentment and repressed anger, he was pleased to see Josh though, but it didn't take very long for the same old themes to reoccur - about how he is too busy 'with this lot' (meaning his daughter) to get a GP to see her.

On digging a little deeper the next excuse is that he doesn't want to upset her because she will start swearing, but he would think about allowing the doctor to see her if my husband (his son) was there too.

At that point Josh and I went upstairs to see his  Aunty, who likewise was once a ServiceUser.

I think my mind has shut quite a lot of it out now...

But she was fairly happy - is the best I can say.

Lank, greasy, unwashed hair, clothes....

Her legs are now contracted in that way the legs of coma patients go, unless their legs are stretched daily. The situation is horrific, and it has happened because Father-In-Law and Aunty prefer the situation to the unknown alternatives...is just about the only way I can see it.

So, if this is what 'depression' looks like, it looks like people who are so unconsciously stressed out that the world becomes for them meaningless. 

The world is full of things and people that are nothing....really. Meanwhile there is a nebulous sensation of danger associated with anything unknown, and a desire to get rid of it, or all of it...It is like an extreme-religious behavior; of the kind that invites 'true believers' to revile the world and to mortify their flesh.

It is ugly, it stinks, and really....this is worse than psychosis.

Plus it has taken years of sustained self-hatred to get to this level of dysfunction.

If someone is allowed to just lie in bed and talk about how they have to stay there until 'the menopause is over'...that may appear to be kind and understanding, but in truth it is neglect - and is why 'character disturbance' doesn't fit the image of a person who feels insecure, or sad. Rage is at the heart of it - rage at other people, at the world. Aunt and granddad are not unhappy. They are angry, they are resentful and they are incoherent with crazy rationalizations, intellectualizations, and they have no desire to challenge their own assumptions.

That last bit doesn't make any sense...

Blame the world but never blame yourself....

Oh yes, there is that bit that sounds like self blame; 'I should have done that then...but now it is too late'.

Eventually Father-In-Law got round to his usual; expressing how he expects us to continue to look after Aunty when he is gone. As usual I have no problem in saying, no - she needs to see a doctor. This is your responsibility.

Husband is trying to get to see the GP to explain how bad it is (again).

Day two of that.

You may wonder how come the doctor didn't think the situation was so bad, if it is as bad as I say? A year or so ago, when Aunty could walk, so she went to the surgery and said that she was fine....

And the GP was happy with that.

After all, she wasn't asking for anything.

Our visit ended with Josh leaving in tears, thinking about his grandmother - who died last year, so not very long ago - and remembering when the house was functional, all those Sunday tea-times of salmon sandwiches, French fancies, crisps and salad...and how she was so sweet and kind...and ended up trapped in bed.

Do you spot a theme?

How does it get so that a person agrees to go along with mad father-in-law's anxious need to keep 'broken women' 'safe' in bed no matter what happens? Well we 'agreed' insomuch as we couldn't see where or how to challenge what was happening...we tried, but we rationalized that each person was an adult and how could we infringe their human right to live as they chose? We fell for the rationalizations and intellectualizations and to be honest it wasn't my job to argue more than I did...the situation was appalling, but it was their choice.

So I'm not letting trhis happen to my son, to live with me there are rules that must be followed.

Hygiene and autonomy.

I stand at the junction of that conflict, repeating the truth that I will not accept any excuses.

If that means if I have to keep repeating the instruction to get into the shower, so be it.

If that means I have to keep on pointing out that pacing has to be kept within limits, so be it.

I'm bloody angry, because I have seen what happens when people can't live with the amount of anger I'm going to have to live with.

Autonomy is the goal though...

This isn't going to be easy.