So there is but fire In you, in me?

And then things got worse. One more bad thing occurred; on the 27th of September. Husband found his father, dead. And because I needed to be strong and can't be, things got worse. Not yet at peak worse, yet I perceived only a few centimeters or degrees before that point. And this experience has shown me how easy it is to fall into depression - that sense that there is literally nothing I can do that is right - is confirmed by the parade of tragic memories. Panic may start with a sensation of falling, insides full of fire, and guts churning as if I'm being eaten from the inside out. But the truth is there is nothing to hold onto! My all too human reaction to pain is to seek help and comfort, but my crying and pleading feeds the inner 'demon'.  For me no help will come. It was never there - and the illusion that   his love has been given to someone else - this is my feeling.  That I've named what is happening and the help I need has made it worse. ...No reassurance i