So there is but fire In you, in me?

When this first began... I started to keep count In cats. By Wednesday night 2 cats worth... 18 times Imminent death. But his body (his expressions, the way he moved and spoke) and the meaning of his words didn't match. In his head it was real, but there was a lack of affect, a lack of emotional expression... So the constant 'I'm about to die' wasn't so bad. The emotional tone wasn't the same as the words, and I responded to the emotion - which was closer to regret, than panic - and regret for him leads to self recrimination, which I feel floats on a lava pool of white hot rage. What was bad, what did make me break down in tears, was how he sent his friends away. That really got to me. Also his university. Not helpful... Simply sent me a 'He will have to withdraw' And a form to fill in... Took me a couple of days, but I've replied asking that we be sent deadlines and dates for sending in work. I don't think there is any c

It began with phone calls. Desperate messages. It began with such sadness and pain that I was overwhelmed. This phase lasted almost a year. Recorded in reams of messages in Messenger Stuck on the Event Horizon. Earlier this month a slow change. Translating from emotion into something frozen Now something sinister. Or is that just my mind racing... It is a gut feeling. It is why I'm writing... The transition began in this way. A text from a friend saying, 'I've just had your son on the phone to me, do you know how bad he is feeling'? I phoned my friend immediately: 'yes, this has been going on for almost a year, what has he said to you? 'That he is going to phone an ambulance..I'm worried about him.' 'Me too' was all I could say. My son didn't answer his phone all day. No messages Nothing. As I cooked the evening meal a feeling of absolute wrongness came over me. I stopped cooking. Covered the food for latter.