So there is but fire In you, in me?

Increasing madness. Ex service user smashed his bedroom window with his guitar...I barricaded myself in the bedroom. A policeman heard ex service user ranting and saw the glass....Ex service user taken away by the police. I'm to give a statement, no idea what's next. 5:54pm The police are keeping him in. The policeman said, they will phone tomorrow and ask if we are willing to have him back. Really, my gut feeling is to say no. We gave him every chance to seek help, and to turn around his seething rage. He didn't take that path. So, enough now. Our house is at peace, but the feeling is of bereavement. So heavy, so so sad.

I sit in the bathroom. Earplugs in. Going to college, so I'll stop writing this and have a shower soon. House, kitchen extending upward to living room, and including his bedroom....dents and holes in the walls. Violence isn't predictable. I just stand still and try not to curl up in a ball and weep. So, what gets me is, why do the drugs companies sell drugs for mental ' health' issues as if they are a cure? For one, how can something that disconnects a person from their feeling- processing enable a person to gain control of themselves? But second, what's wrong with being honest, and providing some kind of sedative....ah yes, that was the word. Once! Well yeah, I'm beginning to get it. For the sake of the sane, psychotic folk need an off button....and the only way a psychotic person can be drugged is to make out that the drug is therapeutic... So?  So, we endure. Because the drug root is non scientific, possibly harmful, not curative.... Haha funny, a friend aske

 As I sat in the living room next door, I could hear my computer being broken...The damage wasn't as bad as it sounded. Basically computers are pretty tough; just keys missing off my keyboard, no right click on the mouse, and the entry port for the headphone socket must be damaged in some way. So I got myself a a laptop with a gamer quality GeForce card, and a new mouse that possibly glows octurine..It is imperative to my sanity that I can run around the 'Endless Forest' as a sweet little deer, and problem solve in Portal games, run around madly in Quake 3 and threaten myself with wading through Half Life (everything after the first game). My laptop is splendid. And I just downloaded a meditation thing, (PLAYNE)  where I 'sit' in a different forest by a campfire. I think I have to click the mouse each time a thought crosses my mind! So basically if I don't follow my thoughts, the sun rises and the trees grow, I will see... The laptop enables me to lock myself aw

Well...who knows why today has been as it is. He could have read something on Facebook. Could be the moon. All I know is, it started bad. I know I said before that, truth is, I never see it coming. I never think, today I'm going to be asking myself seriously...am I about to be killed? Today as I fled the house, he was busy slamming the grill from the cooker into the wall. The table had been overturned, he has smashed things, I'd reached for my phone and he went for me. As I reversed off the drive he was ripping the aerial off my car and trying to get in..I drove away. By now I'm hysterical... I returned thinking I can't just let this happen...went into the house, he was still smashing things. I went into the garden, wanted to huddle safe under a stone. Air so cold, tiny snowflakes falling. I phoned a friend - left a sobbing, incoherent message. Phoned husband, again had to leave message. Couldn't bring myself to phone the police. I just went to pieces...then. Just f