Forget yesterday

Well...who knows why today has been as it is. He could have read something on Facebook. Could be the moon. All I know is, it started bad.

I know I said before that, truth is, I never see it coming. I never think, today I'm going to be asking myself seriously...am I about to be killed?

Today as I fled the house, he was busy slamming the grill from the cooker into the wall. The table had been overturned, he has smashed things, I'd reached for my phone and he went for me.

As I reversed off the drive he was ripping the aerial off my car and trying to get in..I drove away. By now I'm hysterical...

I returned thinking I can't just let this happen...went into the house, he was still smashing things. I went into the garden, wanted to huddle safe under a stone. Air so cold, tiny snowflakes falling. I phoned a friend - left a sobbing, incoherent message. Phoned husband, again had to leave message. Couldn't bring myself to phone the police.

I just went to pieces...then.

Just felt so powerless, frozen, want it to stop.

My neighbor heard me and put her hands over the fence, asked me to come to her house.

Inside, lots of hugs, coffee...And I can hear him next door wreaking my computer, sound of things breaking...

Then my friend arrived, husband too. 

Inside my house the floor covered in shards of glass, breakfast spattered over the window and walls. The fridge freezer tipped, milk and food...upstairs my computer...the toilet broken. More glass, more things ripped off their hinges...

We cleared up.

Ex service user just goes on and on telling us he's going to be taken by gangsters.

No recognition.

No reality.

He seems quite happy...

I don't really know what I feel or think. Just next time NOT to let him see I'm going to phone...

At that point I was going to call the police, knowing full well that it would be too late. He would have harmed me, or because I'd got out, he would stop as soon as he saw the police...

But once I've crossed a certain threshold of intimidation and fear I can't think...

When I really feel threatened, I became mentally paralyzed. I feel it is my fault. My responsibility. I can't speak...

Actually I remember screaming when I came back after driving. I found myself screaming and screaming unable to stop...then I went into the garden.

That's how today has been.