Panic

And then things got worse. One more bad thing occurred; on the 27th of September. Husband found his father, dead. And because I needed to be strong and can't be, things got worse. Not yet at peak worse, yet I perceived only a few centimeters or degrees before that point.

And this experience has shown me how easy it is to fall into depression - that sense that there is literally nothing I can do that is right - is confirmed by the parade of tragic memories.

Panic may start with a sensation of falling, insides full of fire, and guts churning as if I'm being eaten from the inside out. But the truth is there is nothing to hold onto! My all too human reaction to pain is to seek help and comfort, but my crying and pleading feeds the inner 'demon'. 

For me no help will come.

It was never there - and the illusion that his love has been given to someone else - this is my feeling. 

That I've named what is happening and the help I need has made it worse. ...No reassurance is forthcoming so my panic deepens, entrenches itself, it has wrapped itself around every organ in my body...And when the next thing happened my no place within this new horror pushed me so far out, falling through the void-space of no love / it's all over / sent me crashing down into pure out of control panic-land.

The trouble is though, panic is like psychosis, normal people sense the degree of distress and have to move away. Not that it is contagious, but that feeling of infinite void and incapacity transmits and normal people can't cope. For me panic has been made so much worse because I know what I need..and it isn't there.

Or, it might be.
Just in my panic I can't see it, feel it, hear it, find it, mend it, create it...?

Panic is a self referential loop, that drags reinforcement from any source. To turn away from it is like sitting in a building on fire...and to resolutely tell yourself that you will burn.

To cross the desert requires a well packed rucksack, self discipline and a compass...in my case the compass is Loop habit tracker, which I use to track the good things I forget to notice. I have listed the bad things that will trigger despair and inner terror - so I can see that they don't happen as much as I believe they do.

And of course, I didn't use my 'action plan' when panic and despair got me (1 am Friday night whilst watching repeats of Breaking Bad). But on the positive side the habit tracker gave me enough reassurance to avoid a full melt-down.

So, that's some improvement.

Note, I'm not trying to change my beliefs about the betrayal. I am aware that panicking is a self-rescue attempt that makes everything worse. The only way to find a way out is by seeking information; finding out what makes things better, and what is already better...

Cegvera made things feel better for a while, last night. Kind of saw them by accident, but standing close enough to the speakers and just letting myself drop into the heaviness of the sound...was so good!