Into the dark.

Bear in mind, last week before the visit of the mental health team, Josh ran out of the house and was screaming because he didn't want to see them.

Bear in mind that this week, Josh just crept out of the house so that we didn't know that he had gone - because he didn't want to see them.

Understand that he doesn't switch his phone on in case the 'Mindfulness lady' gets in touch.

So...this afternoon, there was a knock on the door and...
It was Mindfulness lady plus another.

Introduced as a social worker.

I was asked;
'How would you feel about your son being sectioned'?

Well..
Let me see...

What do you do when you are in a room with a tiger?

Remain calm, appear rational, don't make any sudden moves.

Do not panic.

I said that I could see why they thought that he was in a really bad way. The fact that he hadn't been in such a bad way before their intervention is a truth that has to wait!

I played the CBT card, I pointed out that as his environment has changed -  and I can see improvements now.

They said 'now he has been talking his SSI meds...would they be responsible for his improvement'?

I absolutely agreed that they must be.

Josh isn't taking 'his meds'.

I will never ask him to take them again.

But you know what? 
After Tuesday, and just about holding it together
After Wednesday and my descent into anger
After Thursday and clarity of resolve to no longer fall for the fear...
Today was good until...

After they left Josh was pacing again
Full of should of and could of...

We were back to square one.

This is what their visit does, and I feel the same!

I spent all afternoon talking and calming him down...
And this evening as I shared out the potatoes to the waiting plates
I just broke down

This is - I'm beginning to recognize it - what a discharge of anxiety through my autonomic nervous system feels like.

I felt sick
My insides were in cramp
I could hardly breath...

And it isn't even me who is under threat.

There is something
Something too mechanical, inhuman - something too depressing about their fixation as medication as the only way...

I get it, I really do - that's the hard part for me. 

But taking medication isn't only a signifier of wanting to get better, of agreeing that you are ill.

I absolutly do get it!

My husband's sister is what doing nothing about it, looks like...

I ate my tea, took my leave, lit candles and sat in the bathroom just let myself soak in the peace and darkness before getting into the bath.

Nevertheless, despite it all.
I know what I think
And I know what I believe.