Crossroad.
I feel as if we are at a crossroads.
And I'm taking the easy way out of tomorrow - when the doctor visits - leaving my husband to deal with what ever may be coming down the line towards us.
I'm at college tomorrow, so I will come home at dinner time to see what's happened, and probably nothing will have happened or it will all have happened. Either way, I'm glad to duck out of it as much as possible because I feel as if I've dealt with most of it so far.
I'm not good at cooperative probably, but mostly I feel that I've made most of the decisions because I'm the one aware of what's happening...only because I don't look away.
It is a sore point for me - I feel crushed and unsupported.
The college provides counselling - but somehow the booking system just goes astray.
I could phone up the automated ' leave a message' side again, but is that going to be working any better than the email side?
Well, either way.
No counselling either...
Last week talking to the mental health team caused me to realize that 'the system' expects people not to take any responsibility, and simplifies the possibilities by maintaining silence. After last week I was fairly sure from what I'd been told that the psychiatrist would no longer visit. I assumed they would wash their hands of us, and wait for us to get in touch with the GP and Social Services when we eventually found ourselves unable to cope.
After the Mindfulness lady's visit, and Josh saying, 'I shouldn't have said what I said' and telling me that she was going to speak to a second doctor and perhaps a hospital stay would be arranged...
I am expecting the worst, that the outcome of tomorrow's visit will be them asking us to bring Josh to hospital, for admission.
After the visit of the Mindfulness lady
During which Josh said 'things he shouldn't have said'?
And his terror of the thought of being sectioned.
He realised that if he began to take the SSIs he may avoid being taken in...
Even so
When it came to it
He was convinced that the tablet would kill him...
But then, if he was in hospital, he would be given the same drug and more...
So he took the tablet.
I felt bleak and full of despair.
The vision of him taking the tablet was like watching someone practice suicide. I mean, if I had a pill that I thought would kill me as surely as cyanide and I was able to put it into my mouth and swallow it.
Too much like a rehearsal.
The next night the fear of the hospital wasn't so great.
The equation didn't balance for him...
The way the first tablet had not killed him didn't really figure in his thinking.
He didn't really care either way.
Except he didn't want to take the tablet.
So I said I wasn't eating my dinner until he did.
The dinner, freshly cooked bread, sausages, salad a glass of wine..all sitting there and bound for the bin.
My husband joined in
Pure emotional blackmail - or just an honest transaction...I'm not sure.
We did the same again last night, but it was less fraught.
All I know is I do not want him hospitalized.
He is stuck in an 'attractor state' - inertia - needing some kind of input to make it change, then to be in this new state for a while to create another and different attractor state. Undoubtadly sectioning is meant to do this. But the reality? A descent from one hell into a deeper one.
His theories on having a brain tumor, or dementia are being challenged here. Last week I asked him to play a game of Quake 3 Arena with me, and I lost completely! True, I'm out of practice, but I'm not such a bad player.
He saw this as a sign that his reptile brain is able to function normally.
I pointed out that humans are not hardwired to use a keyboard mouse analogue for real movement, and that understanding where we are in a virtual representation of something that isn't where we are and isn't even us, on a screen...is higher level thinking.
A dog or a cat may just about get that there is an animal in the mirror, but play, plan and interact with it?
No.
Last night I left him with Mel's Story
A really difficult Portal game (a complex problem solving game) and he was able to play.
This is a CBT approach, to try to loosen the underlying belief in a reality for which there is no real evidence.
And I'm taking the easy way out of tomorrow - when the doctor visits - leaving my husband to deal with what ever may be coming down the line towards us.
I'm at college tomorrow, so I will come home at dinner time to see what's happened, and probably nothing will have happened or it will all have happened. Either way, I'm glad to duck out of it as much as possible because I feel as if I've dealt with most of it so far.
I'm not good at cooperative probably, but mostly I feel that I've made most of the decisions because I'm the one aware of what's happening...only because I don't look away.
It is a sore point for me - I feel crushed and unsupported.
The college provides counselling - but somehow the booking system just goes astray.
I could phone up the automated ' leave a message' side again, but is that going to be working any better than the email side?
Well, either way.
No counselling either...
Last week talking to the mental health team caused me to realize that 'the system' expects people not to take any responsibility, and simplifies the possibilities by maintaining silence. After last week I was fairly sure from what I'd been told that the psychiatrist would no longer visit. I assumed they would wash their hands of us, and wait for us to get in touch with the GP and Social Services when we eventually found ourselves unable to cope.
After the Mindfulness lady's visit, and Josh saying, 'I shouldn't have said what I said' and telling me that she was going to speak to a second doctor and perhaps a hospital stay would be arranged...
I am expecting the worst, that the outcome of tomorrow's visit will be them asking us to bring Josh to hospital, for admission.
After the visit of the Mindfulness lady
During which Josh said 'things he shouldn't have said'?
And his terror of the thought of being sectioned.
He realised that if he began to take the SSIs he may avoid being taken in...
Even so
When it came to it
He was convinced that the tablet would kill him...
But then, if he was in hospital, he would be given the same drug and more...
So he took the tablet.
I felt bleak and full of despair.
The vision of him taking the tablet was like watching someone practice suicide. I mean, if I had a pill that I thought would kill me as surely as cyanide and I was able to put it into my mouth and swallow it.
Too much like a rehearsal.
The next night the fear of the hospital wasn't so great.
The equation didn't balance for him...
The way the first tablet had not killed him didn't really figure in his thinking.
He didn't really care either way.
Except he didn't want to take the tablet.
So I said I wasn't eating my dinner until he did.
The dinner, freshly cooked bread, sausages, salad a glass of wine..all sitting there and bound for the bin.
My husband joined in
Pure emotional blackmail - or just an honest transaction...I'm not sure.
We did the same again last night, but it was less fraught.
All I know is I do not want him hospitalized.
He is stuck in an 'attractor state' - inertia - needing some kind of input to make it change, then to be in this new state for a while to create another and different attractor state. Undoubtadly sectioning is meant to do this. But the reality? A descent from one hell into a deeper one.
His theories on having a brain tumor, or dementia are being challenged here. Last week I asked him to play a game of Quake 3 Arena with me, and I lost completely! True, I'm out of practice, but I'm not such a bad player.
He saw this as a sign that his reptile brain is able to function normally.
I pointed out that humans are not hardwired to use a keyboard mouse analogue for real movement, and that understanding where we are in a virtual representation of something that isn't where we are and isn't even us, on a screen...is higher level thinking.
A dog or a cat may just about get that there is an animal in the mirror, but play, plan and interact with it?
No.
Last night I left him with Mel's Story
A really difficult Portal game (a complex problem solving game) and he was able to play.
This is a CBT approach, to try to loosen the underlying belief in a reality for which there is no real evidence.
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