Sunday

I've left Josh slumped in the garden.
I've come to the computer to get some work done.
I can't tell what I'm feeling
So, I guess this is anxiety?

• Anxiety is the affect of fear - the non-conscious detection of threat (Damasio 1999).

I suppose this means, I recognize things are wrong on a deeper level than my conscious brain can deal with. So, what's going on?

I'm dreading the doctor's visit tomorrow (conscious recognition of threat...). I'm feeling bad for leaving Josh in the garden, but I can't talk about his beliefs with him again, I'm too aware of our conversation being over heard. Terrace house, small garden, everything is overlooked...I'm angry because the problems my husband and I have with each other were being worked through. This involved arguments. The empty nest suited me! how can I express my feelings of hurt and anger if I have to be quiet and nice (when I'm none of those things!)

I'm angry that Josh is Service User is becoming a patient. That means I don't see mental illness as an illness. Which is true, I see it as a processing problem. A mixture of habits, beliefs and behaviors that don't work and wont stop because...something underneath hurts worse than the 'madness'. Being a patient isn't good for anyone, it is a role reserved for ill people; they need soup, and help to keep clean because they have no energy and a lot of pain, and are infectious! Josh has been given medicine, but he isn't ill. Better to call it support, only of course it isn't support when you have been forced to take it.

Sorry, this is just my opinion.

I'm angry that we have switched back into parent mode. Parent mode directed at an adult - and Josh is in his early twenties - is as bad for a person as being treated like a patient.

On the positive side, all my kids grew up to be self-reliant.
So why do I feel that we've become so tangled up...?
How do I stop this?

True, looking at what's underneath my anxiety helps.
I now feel a bit better for leaving him to sit in the sun.
It is a beautiful day...