The mindfulness lady.

The mindfulness lady sort of does a kind of CBT.

I think?

I don't know what she does, because I've never stayed in the room when she visits my son.

And - it was mindfulness lady who told Josh that she was worried about him and would talk to another doctor.

About going to hospital.

It was mindfulness lady who turned up with a social worker.

And it was mindfulness lady who knocked on the door yesterday, while Josh was out - getting biscuits - and who asked me how I was feeling...

I told her. And she said that she 'knew how that must feel' and I said 'no, no you really do not know'

The word patronizing was looping through my mind.

Because their script never wavers, 'he must take his drugs'...

She said, 'why did you think he would be sectioned?'
Me: you came here with a social worker and on Monday two doctors were present.
She laughed...'She was a trainee social worker who was with me as part of her training, and I don't think there were two doctors?...we would let you know if we were thinking of sectioning Josh'...

Well...if this was all I had to go on - her reassurance // my knowledge that I am falliable and stressed -  I would, could should be doubting myself.

But you know what?

No.

I record everything...so I have a recording of what was said to me last Monday.
And what was said may be a kind of game, or just crossed-wires.
Doesn't matter, when this is over I will be sane enough again to judge.

But what I recorded on Monday was no mistake, no ambiguity, nothing to misunderstand!.

On Monday the psychiatrist said:

" Service User, I've got to tell you, so this is your last chance I don't want to but I have no choice but to put you on a section 2 taken into hospital under a section 2" 

I've not recorded mindfulness lady when she is alone with Josh.
This was is a mistake..

Nor does it matter that there is nothing I can do to bring about compassion or fairness, with the recordings. They maintain my sanity. Only a recording can capture what was actually said, and more importantly, the way it was said. 

I am able to check my impressions out, this is important, I know I'm going to hear things wrong the first time.

But when I listen again, I heard correctly the first time, and the words and meanings are clear.

Hopefully between Josh's acting skills, and the compromises about the SSI taking, we are getting out of this. Then we can really begin to sort out the depression underneath the self recrimination and beliefs about illness.