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Yesterday I was expecting to return to hear that we would be taking Josh to the hospital, and I could bear it.

So I was in college.
In theory, this is a safe space where I could be honest.
In reality I covered it all up
Though I told one or two of my friends what was really going on for me.

When the tutor asked us one by one 

' Quick, what is your greatest fear?'
I just said 'maths' and pulled a face.

Further round the class, others said, 'loosing their children'

I thought then, how good I am at pulling down the blast shutters and keeping the explosions inside myself...

At dinner time I returned home.
The doctor was pleased with Service User.
The Mindfulness lady will continue to visit.
And could Service User take his Citalopram in the morning because it would be more effective?
And
"If Service User continues to take his meds, he can have a CT scan..."

I could almost hear the doctor chucking to himself about how putting the fear about sectioning into a Service User, had made 'such an improvement in his behavior...'

And I get it.
I really do!

If I was the doctor I would feel so frustrated that my patient wasn't helping himself...

But the truth is, we (my husband and I) are caught up in this.
It is real for us..

You have implied that you could take our son away.

This has been the worst thing I've faced so far, worse than any of Josh's distress. Worse than dealing with his flat, his degree. Worse than the miserable face of the receptionist at the GPs that makes me feel that I should apologize for breathing.

From Friday last week until yesterday dinner time I was facing having my son taken away to a place he didn't want to go, to be made to take medication he thought would kill him.

Now because of the threat, because of his fear of sectioning, because of our revulsion of this use of threat - we are descending to the same level!

All we could do was shout at him to take the pill.

And this morning, as I made breakfast, I gave Josh his tablet.
I watched as he slyly pretended to take it - and put it in his pocket...

And then I cracked
I completely lost my temper and yelled at him.

I'm in fear, I'm in despair.

So I came here to write.

Yesterday was too much
It is the feeling of dishonesty, or games that gets me.

Not my son's games...

Josh is in a different reality

But the psychiatrist, isn't truthful either.
It started with the charade about bringing another doctor, a medical doctor to see Josh.

Certainly a second 'doctor' arrived - wearing a stethoscope - but he didn't examine Josh, or even talk to him.

So now, is this another lie about sectioning?

We have no choice but to take it seriously, and feel again and again how powerless we are, and how dehumanizing this process as led by the home visit team, actually is.