Resonance cascade.

I am mapping the land in which I live. 

My home is a Jenga tower. I take half my husband's salary until he stops me is one way to look at this. So, every month it could be that he has shifted his salary to another account and therefore I'd have no money.

The other way to see this is, he needs to divorce me. 

And I need him to believe that I'm broken, because that is safer.

I earn money as a therapist sometimes. I can't earn money from where I had my placement until I get my qualification paperwork sorted out. I am waiting for my college to send me my certificate, and then I will be waiting for my professional body to confirm my qualification - and then I need to do their viva. The other place I work has run out of funding, so last month I earnt £30.

So, let's say January, perhaps! 

And then I can apply for jobs? 

Roof leaks, things need replacing. 

And there is a whole load of moldy baggage I could delve into about how most counsellors are middle class women supported by their husbands. There is an assumption that we don't really need the money we charge, though we need to pay for supervision, therapy and our professional body; insurance, registration with the ICO, plus CPD, plus room hire, travel and chocolate covered raisins (!)

So that's where I am - and I have peace.

Meanwhile there is the project - The Third Star -  because I walked this path with a definite aim. And getting this project going is worth it because I have nothing to lose, and nothing to gain except the knowledge that I will have done the best I could do and fulfilled my promise. 

So, in concrete terms I need to write my proposal, take it to the local GPs and try to get this thing going - my aim? To offer a different approach to mental 'health' based on knowledge, as opposed to SSRIs.

That is part one. Part two is to include the family, the concerned others. 

Emotionally? Well I'm still caught up in my last falling in love - another whole book of an experience to write. So the subject there is Eros. Because that falling in love with him, almost killed me. How does one go about offering CPD? Eros and ceremony (build on what I know)!

And a part of me thinks I need more qualifications. But when I look at what the courses contain, only the practice in writing up research and creating proposals seems useful.

And then I remember playing Half Life for the first time!

For me and the game character, Gordon Freeman;  the question - when is it the right time to step into the role life presents - makes no sense. Life doesn't make sense, I will never be qualified enough. There you are, just pushing the crystal into the mass spectrometer and...

 "Never thought I'd see a resonance cascade, let alone create one"

It would be nice if there had been a how to deal with a family member's psychosis class before I had to deal with a family member's psychosis.

And it is so strange that the things that really help are the things that have always helped. And the things that don't help are expectations of normality and believing in the cavalry because rather like in Half Life, when they do arrive, things don't improve.