Bitter sweet

 Last night's visit to see Josh in his second week of sectioning left me feeling very sad. He is a mixture of same old paranoia, full of fear about what he had said to the doctors that morning. Last time he had antipsychotic drugs they didn't get anywhere close to unlocking the self recriminations, and fear...So my fear now is, the psychiatrist will consider ECT. 

He kept saying, " plan C, should have taken plan C". Plan C was, take control, decide how to get out of the fear, by deciding to use every good thing available: sensible help from the CBT therapist, help from everyone who was on his side. It involved being serious about what is wrong, instead of reacting. Easier said than done, but not if you truly know sectioning will be the consequence?

What makes it so sad is the inevitability. The core of what's wrong is his imperative to be punished. That desire seems to explain most of his behavior. So yeah, I can see him doing everything in his power to keep on making things worse for himself, and everyone does get swept up in this! We certainly did. I don't believe any drugs or 'shock' can undo how bad he feels about himself. Compassion for self is the only thing that will free him.

Also, some sadness comes from seeing the kindness of the other 'service users', as they try to make things ok for my son. 

While we were there, a man was reunited with his family and let out. It was hard not to applaud, there should be a celebration each time...

Not that it's bad there, just supremely restrictive and empty..not of people, but of face to face emotional care. It feels like crying will let everyone down, like genuine emotions are the enemy.

Noticed a bruising on Josh's cheek. 

Where I hit myself, he said.