Starting Wim Hof method.

A Tuesday evening in November 2020. 

Shamika and I are talking about the Johari window, and Donald Rumsfeld is bouncing around in my mind saying - “there are known knowns and unknown unknowns”, and I’m laughing because I don’t want to think about him but I always do when it’s the Johari window... and then the video starts 

Julia Kristina in black and white, talking about primary emotion, secondary reactions and tertiary...

But I am slipping...

My heart rate is speeding, my chest is tightening, my belly is squeezing, I want to run…

This is fear.

I focus on the sensation, 

I listen to myself, tuning into myself

What is it about this video?

OK, deal with the physical Hannah.

I breathe slowly, drawing my diaphragm down to get a deep belly breath, then exhale counting.

Making sure it takes twice as long as my inhale…

After about 30 seconds I’m back and centered.

So what’s going on?

Back home I watched the video, this time without sound.

...and my heart is racing and I feel like I’m under threat….

Right

Go deeper.

What else is there?

This still doesn’t make any sense

And suddenly I see.

Her pupils are black….

It is the lighting, image effects but…this is what I’m seeing.

Black pupils.

Trigger.

The night my son attempted suicide.

I remember his eyes. 

They were Black...Dilated pupils in ordinary light...too black. And he was filled with rage and terror due to some kind of dopamine inducing high?

And then he was quiet, calm, rational... I thought he was OK.

Around 8 pm I realized he had gone…

Eventually I phoned the police...

Next time I see him he is in intensive care

OK, I understand.

Black pupils..

And I still feel it.

So what does this mean, and what can I do about it?

Yes I can deal with panic, Claire Weekes kindly tells me:  face, accept, float and let time pass…and I’m having therapy.

Is there anything else I can do?

I begin my research and I learn a lot about the amygdala and the hippocampus, about the autonomic nervous system and do the BOLT test, and my tolerance to CO2 is terrible, this starts to give me a way in. I read about Bu-tay-ko breathing. And I start following Dr Huberman on YouTube who talks a lot about how to access the automatic fear and alertness systems

 and I keep hearing the name Wim Hof. So I research Mr Hof too, it turns out that he is famous for taking ice baths and hyperventilating, behavior that makes no sense to me whatsoever. but many of the people talking about using his techniques say that as a result their anxiety has gone.

Well here is a paradox. Wim Hof breathing isn’t a walk in the park; and to be honest it sounded dangerous

I mean brain death occurs after only 3 minutes without breathing…doesn’t it? 

So Wim Hof breath work is about a minute and a half of determined hyperventilation followed by not breathing for as long as possible, then a deep breath in, hold for 15 second...and continue. 

Hyperventilation causes a lot of the physical sensations of panic, whilst not breathing causes the sensation of suffocation.

Do this at least two times more.

Whilst relaxing.

My therapist doesn’t think it's a good idea - it sounds potentially re-traumatizing and I agree. 

So I do more research..

Wim Hof himself never really bothered to wonder why his breathing and cold exposure made him feel better. He left that up to the scientists who experimented with him to find out why he isn’t dead! Hoffers would tell you that in breathing this way we learn how to contact the ancient, non-verbal survival systems within the brain stem and by relaxing and overriding the alarm signals we create a conscious link.

And I guess that this direct approach would rapidly alter my associations between perception / sensation and response…?

 which sounds good, and is just about possible.

Only one thing is sure, I can’t know unless I try

And so, at the end of November I begin; lying in bed, earphones on, and the sound of Wim telling me to breathe fully in...… 

hyperventilation is hard work

30 deep breaths, I feel light headed, tingling, cramps . 

And then the breath hold -  impossibly long - is surprising,

I focus on my heart beat -  slow it down - I visualize myself lying on the ocean floor. It is incredibly peaceful, beautiful even. When I feel a habitual need to breathe, I know that I don’t actually need to…. 

One minute

I’ve never taken drugs and never will, but this is pretty much as weird as I’ve ever felt. At times it  was as if my body was full of scintillating light.

Two minutes…. 

Then suddenly the need to breathe in is intense like a lightning bolt...

Deeply in and

Hold - 15 seconds…

It is as if all my cells are wide awake.

A sense of immense well being floods through me.

And  I sleep deeply for the first time in two years…floating in that ocean of vast, healing waters.

After a few weeks of practicing the breathwork morning and night I start to feel lighter as my body adjusts, but I have terrible brain fog.

I start to wonder, am I killing precious brain cells…?

But I continue.

And now, 3 months on, I don't get any of those lovely trippy sensations anymore, instead i feel as if all the crunched up and squashed parts of me are straightening out, and that the fog in my brain, plus a lot of the dread has been breathed out. 

There is a lot more to learn about Wim Hof’s methods, I was reluctant at first to go any further, but that’s changing too. Slowly slowly, the cold showers, yoga stretches and practicing the mindset..

Seeking comfort in discomfort

So what do I think about this as a way to alleviate triggered responses?

I believe that trauma responses have a physical component and the body doesn’t speak English. And, I am very much a run towards rather than run away sort of person, so this direct approach suits me.

I certainly feel a lot more resilient.

As Fritz Perls puts it, this is therapy of the ‘safe emergency’ kind.

I am so grateful to Wim and my fellow Hoffers.

All the love, all the power!