Less than 2

Every time I felt that I knew, and dared a question I was told to 'drop it!' or given reassurance that felt empty (because I was being lied to.) The small details that pointed towards truth, like myriad compass needles embedded in his attitude, my feelings, possibly her scent even. 

Were telling me the truth.

But I was told

No...always no.

Lies told, not to make me feel guilty. 

He said.

He told lies to 'protect me'.

Didn't I see how stressed he was, how tired, how hard everything was...

And "I'm still here aren't I" 

Implication being- "I don't want to be".

This is where it gets nasty.

I was to blame because I would be upset. 

Today was the last time.

Enough.

I chose to call this process out. 

It is not gaslighting exactly but it has the same slippery feel.

Close enough, too close...

He had left two weeks ago with an ambiguous, "I'll do my dad's house up and sell it and then we will see". So today I asked him if a return was one of those possibilities. Again the looking at me as if I had no right to ask, or had been so stupid to have believed that when he hugged me, or had held my hand it had meant some affection. 

I held his gaze and asked again. 

When the answer was no I told him that I would not contact him again and  I do not want any communication from him unless it is with the aim of restoring our marriage. I am willing to wipe the slate clean, let the past be the past. I see no reason to throw away our future together, I love him. I don't love what he has done or how he has acted, but those things are only a part of everything we have ever been to each other.

I went home and put my decision in writing, read it out to my sons, placed it in an envelope and posted it.

Somewhere between writing and posting he had texted me to say "You do not have any income, I'm not abandoning you". There are many ways to read that...I simply deleted it. I have been through the panic attacks enough. I had one whole truly sleepless night a few days ago that ended with me in a cold sweat of panic about having signed up for a degree course, and having - as he so correctly says - no income.

Enough!