DeFrag

If intrusive thoughts are an attempt to defrag memory, burning my journal wasn't a good move. Fact helps weave wobbly recollection and shrapnel sharp feelings together into a time line. But on the other hand, I felt unable to open the pages. My thoughts just went round and round, punctuated with episodes of myself giving myself a good talking to.

Today, I crashed again. The reality, that it happened and I could not tell, is a reoccurring theme. There is true horror in there for me. How can something that is so catastrophic to my life, potentially my physical health, absolutely threatening to my mental health, how can it happen and it not be accompanied by sirens and screaming... 

Except the unconscious mind does know. Then things get an aura, there is knowledge of changes and there are the lies. 

It's a mess.