Discharge.

One of the worst aspects of this year has been the sense of deja vu. Josh has been discharged before, and then about a week later, he tried to kill himself. Regardless of common sense or logic, the proximity of the memories to each other creates the illusion of connection.

Sometimes it is as if everything is a replay, each place we visited with him on day trips is haunted by  ghost memories, shades and shadows of fear and struggling. I was fighting against myself, against my instincts almost all the time. I remember us walking along a narrow strip that led out to sea, the waves crashing against the walls, fierce and drowning and thinking - if he just jumps, I can't follow, I have to keep in mind where all the life rings are....

I know that memory is anchored to that wall and that sea...like the walks we took along a green and easy path, up a hill not far from here to sit among the trees. First time we went he was just out of hospital and limping, another time was with 'Princess K(etamine)' his girlfriend (the one who swore to me that she had never even smoked!) and other times. Always waiting for the ruminations to become more angry, always waiting for the sky to crack and the lightning I could always feel, to strike.

It isn't over.