Disgust

 

So..it's been a difficult week.
I had thought things were getting better - I mean when Josh's behavior is worse it generally corresponds to more lucidity, and he has more awareness

What am I saying, that sounds complexly un-sane...when he is worse he is better?

But then there is the problem of triggers...
Yeah, we all have our limits

Oh, now I'm saying it's me?

So, he has found something that gets the most negative response from me. I mean it generally requires me to spend at least an hour cleaning up, it involves a lot of water, a lot of cleaning.

But mostly it makes me really angry...

And my skin crawls, literally I feel myself pulling my arms in close, hunching up, I don't want to touch anything in the house.

Mr Freud would call it regressive denial or something like that.
Him, not me.
I'm probably doing denial by fantasy or some such - entertaining the crazy idea that this degree of un-saneness can't last - oh, people have told me it takes years to clear...

Mr Freud, labels don't help.
What would help would be for me to be a different person!

One with their emotional system in cryo...

As I go up the stairs to deal with it...
To contain it
To carry out a damage limitation...
I'm saying to myself 'make clear statements, stow your trigger. Be polite. Keep your temper'.
As I put my ear-plugs in (amazing, such a relief. I really recommend them!)

Don't say "You had three options.

• 1/ we take you to A+E and you get medication.
• 2/ You go to see the GP and ask to see a psychologist / get medication / ask to see a neurologist (may as well try...)
• 3/ Or you treat it as Pure O gone beyond, stop focusing on the thoughts that spiral, just ignore them because you chose to do something else.

And you chose 3...
and you are not.
And I can't deal with this..."

Yep, that's what I say.

Obviously losing my temper isn't good.
This is challenging behavior on his part...and I'm meant to be able to cope - because I'm an adult?

On the other hand, this is how it is.
Delusional or not
If he can't bear it, he can go see a GP!

If I can't bear it...what?!