Sugar

 It's always the sugar.

The original vivid blue glazed sugar jar was smashed months ago.
Since then its been a succession of jam jars.
But the sugar jar gets smashed....and its never OK.

The thing with 'domestic violence' is, I don't see it before it is here with me.
The thing with violence is, a person who uses it doesn't see anyway to defuse the feelings before they explode. He doesn't show rage because he is fighting with himself to contain it. I assume he can contain it, since overwhelming rage is the name of his reality and most of the time it is contained...

But when it bursts out, it is shocking, devastating and I really think that this time I'm going to be killed.

So yeah, I'm in bits on some level - like the fragments of shattered glass, and ceramics, and a thousand grains of sugar...

I lock myself into a safe room.
I have my phone, the computer, my journal, car keys, glasses...
I'm OK.
Listening to loud music
Writing it out...

And as always I'm asking, is this an escalation or what?
And as always I'm too close to tell.
Josh has two states, or rather a continuum of integration-disintegration.
When he is integrated he can smile (this is a new improvement) but as he allows his focus to center on the negative, fear-bearing thoughts his mouth slips into 'the witch pose' and he starts to talk about hell.

Sometimes, most times recently, bringing it to his attention brings him out
Or not...
Always a gamble.
Lets say that this morning it wasn't the right strategy...

But the truth is, I don't remember what was happening when he smashed his bowl, the sugar jar and I felt that I was next...

And there after?
I believe it is important that I don't show my fear.
Mainly because fear disables a person, destroys thinking, and if I focus on it I will go down into the void, as well. After all, he is the living example of what reacting to fear does.

Meanwhile I refuse to cover this up.
I don't do silence!