How are you, Xerpa?

This is a question that becomes increasingly difficult to answer. Psychosis is a country without a map, a location where the compass spins wildly; a play with no narrative. And Dr Google is a mirror reflecting only the most frequent copy and paste..

Psychosis is more like entering the Bermuda Triangle than trying to get to Dorset without satellites. So a map has to be writ...

Here I am mapping. 

So we had the challenging behavior.
We still have the challenging behavior...
The way I stop becoming disabled by rage and despair is to understand it in terms of attachment theory which paradoxically states that a person who is trying to drive me nuts with actions incompatible with civilized living, is doing it because they need to be accepted for doing unacceptable things.

Things that are unacceptable...

The unconscious imperative the challenger is operating under is to break it, before it breaks; try to break it to see if it can be trusted.

My husband and me, we are the it.

Obviously this is difficult to live with.
As it is albeit unconsciously meant to be bloody difficult...

My way through is to weigh up the real consequences of the actions and to separate pure, physical repulsion from the question is this is actually dangerous?

And express my dislike alongside describing a way the same thing can be done, but in a way that doesn't cause me to feel threatened or physically sick.

A lot of it involves screaming...him, not me.
When I can't cope I go silent and freeze, tears running down my face unable to do anything except want to be gathered up by someone who knows what to do and can just take over! And as that wont happen...I've no idea how I get out of it.

Yet, get out I do...

The screaming seems to have helped him, but it is so difficult to assess. About a month ago he woke up screaming every morning, and then would scream at me if I didn't pay 100% of my attention to his monologue. As I had an assignment to do, I had to lock myself in another room and listen to loud music to work. After a fortnight of that things improved considerably. He kept the screaming to his room.

Screaming was hard to assess because sometimes it turned into manic laughing, talking - so was that  distress?

When I felt brave I'd ask him what I should do.
'Do you want help, or do you want to be left to scream'...

Recently he has begun saying that he doesn't want to be left alone. So I go in and talk with him for about five minutes.

Recently there is an increase in his over view of what he is going through with varying degrees of separation from himself.

I see that as positive.

And when there is the escalating violence?

I have decided that it is unpredictable, but regardless there is no point for me to start believing I can prevent it. I simply need to know what I'm going to do.

The only positive thing to say other than it is rare, is that I expect it so I am always slightly on edge and aware of where the lockable doors are. Also that medication was worse...because the Risperidone crisis was rage plus a further disconnection from feelings, so all concern for self and others had gone.

I suppose all along my policy has to been to listen to anything, never openly shocked, and always clear that the only reason this is happening is because he has fried his brains with drugs and frightened himself to death, so of course he can't think straight...

Mostly though, there is increasing sanity between times.

I focus on that!