The detox.

It seems ages since I last wrote here.

And I know that my memory will be faulty...
Nevertheless, this is is a hazy account of how 'things have been'..

It appeared to me that the first day after Citalopram was gone (about 7 and a half days after taking the last dose) things grew much worse.

A period of worsening happened with the end of Risperidone.
When that left Josh's system he became frantic - is a better way to describe it...
Possessed would be the medieval diagnosis.

And, as with the end of Risperidone, each subsequent day gets better than the one before
Extreme behavior grows less and becomes less intense
And Josh regains self control, and a sense of humor.

There were a few days between the end of R and then the end of C. So I found it difficult, six days later when Citalopram 'left the building' to witness the reversal and descent back down into the constant walking, walking, walking.

On the first day of Citalopram being out of his system (as opposed to not taking it) there was no talking (and I associate not talking as an extremely bad sign).

By late afternoon I felt it was time...
For my sanity at least
To engage with what ever was going on in his mind.

So I asked him what he was thinking - I kept track of it with a mind map - I described back to him the picture of his reality, and together we clarified the narrative he was using.

My heart sank with how delusional and paranoid the story appeared..

Regardless of that.
Reading it as as poetic truth, whilst bearing in mind the fragmented, splintered realities he is trying to integrate

The core story is coherent
And works as allegory.

That was the 10th of July.

After that, the intensity of the inner narrative reduced..
Letting him 'come up for air'.
A sense of humor returned and some perspective.

Yesterday were were at the Tewkesbury Medieval festival (we were there both days) Josh is almost back...in the sunlight and happiness  of being on a field with other people equally and openly compelled to step into a parallel reality (the 'living history' people in particular) the border line between 'sane and present' and 'insane and dissociated' blurs.

Tewkesbury is always tough.
Not quite Burning Man!!!
But it is always very hot...
No shade.
Many people...
I find it challenging!

No one broke down or dissociated.

I have no regrets about helping him to stop the drugs.
Other than the ethical and moral problems associated with telling someone that they must take their drugs...making me into, well what exactly - an unpaid employee of the psychiatric hospital? Making me feel powerless and rushed into the panic I now associate with the high frequency compulsions 'sane' people mistake as appropriate, sympathetic reactions..

The drugs thing made me into a bully actually....I ran with the fear I was given by the 'sane' people. To reduce my own fear I repeated their threats, 'if you don't take this you will get worse, if you don't take this they will section you....'

The detox - a word I wouldn't have thought appropriate before I'd experienced the consequences of 'modern psychiatry' - was stressful, terrifying, soul crushing, and took a minimum of three days.

Three days in which symptoms that weren't there before he took the drugs, intensified and then evaporated. I suspect the coming out of Citalopram is still going on a bit...because he took it for a month, and also it is a nasty drug, really, really...being as I have reason to associate it with his suicide attempt.

When I have more time I will assess that belief..