Space and the 4th force.
Yesterday was the first day since this began
That I had a feeling of space.
The first day I had been alone since Service User tried to kill himself.
In the silence of the house my feelings came through my skin as an unbearable discomfort.
Stress ran through each nerve like a dull red electricity.
The noise of the ordinary drowns this out
The damage is shoved into a gap between thoughts, and isn't felt...
Contrary to the NHS advice I didn't go for a walk or a run..
Nor did I drown out the silence in music
I lay flat out on the floor for an hour or so
Feeling muscles cramp and uncramp
And let it be...
I can see why running to use adrenaline sounds sensible, but this is something I can't run from. Stress in my case is a symptom of not processing, rather than not running..I'm getting into this 'Fourth Force' stuff.
My address had written in the strangest writing
I thought it must be from Josh
The letter was three horizontal lines.
The strange writing flowed across the letter inside.
No gaps between words...
I had written to a priest who lives close by us, with Josh's spiritual question, and a request to record the priest's answers. I am genuinely touched by the kindness and concern he has shown for Josh.
Later that evening Husband returned.
He had stayed until Josh left the hospital.
Fetched away in a black van with black windows, run by a company called Prometheus...
By the time the black van arrived, Josh was OK about going.
A lot of his fear was caused by not knowing..
The feeling he could be taken any time - since people kept telling him it would happen soon...
Once he knew for sure, and was told he could keep his phone and have a separate room, he began to let go of the fear.
And I'm glad he was OK
Actually, talking about my feelings
I really liked 'the empty nest' and I really do not like having to navigate around someone's mental health problems during the time I think of as my own!
I personally am quite happy about Josh being in hospital.
If a person is so out of his mind to walk under a bus...there are problems!
I don't expect the hospital to address the underlying issues.
There is a high probability that Josh will learn how to reframe his behavior to fit hospital life (the word is institutionalized).
The best thing the hospital could do is help him find a new direction.
Go with the idea of still being alive as a second chance
The parasuicide as lessons learned...
Focus on associating him with the one who lived, rather than with the one who died.
And I'm beginning to think more people than I'd ever have guessed possible are, at this very moment, thinking of themselves as dead!
And email from a co-worker telling us that last night her heart stopped and she was now OK, in hospital. Then another one saying that ***** (her name) had died.
I emailed back, expecting her mom to answer...or to be told that ***** was dead.
Or to get nothing...
Instead I got a message saying "I'm dead, I died around 11 o'clock last night!"
So...
Yeah...
Is it me?
Or is it a new normal for people to think they are dead!
That I had a feeling of space.
The first day I had been alone since Service User tried to kill himself.
In the silence of the house my feelings came through my skin as an unbearable discomfort.
Stress ran through each nerve like a dull red electricity.
The noise of the ordinary drowns this out
The damage is shoved into a gap between thoughts, and isn't felt...
Contrary to the NHS advice I didn't go for a walk or a run..
Nor did I drown out the silence in music
I lay flat out on the floor for an hour or so
Feeling muscles cramp and uncramp
And let it be...
I can see why running to use adrenaline sounds sensible, but this is something I can't run from. Stress in my case is a symptom of not processing, rather than not running..I'm getting into this 'Fourth Force' stuff.
The manifestation of emotional and psychosomatic symptoms is the beginning of a healing process through which the organism is trying to free itself from these traumatic imprints and simplify its functioning. The only way this can happen is by emergence of the traumatic material into consciousness and its full experience and emotional and motor expression. Grof, Stanislav. Healing Our Deepest Wounds: The Holotropic Paradigm Shift (p. 69). Stream of Experience Productions. Kindle Edition.A letter dropped through the door
My address had written in the strangest writing
I thought it must be from Josh
The letter was three horizontal lines.
The strange writing flowed across the letter inside.
No gaps between words...
I had written to a priest who lives close by us, with Josh's spiritual question, and a request to record the priest's answers. I am genuinely touched by the kindness and concern he has shown for Josh.
Later that evening Husband returned.
He had stayed until Josh left the hospital.
Fetched away in a black van with black windows, run by a company called Prometheus...
By the time the black van arrived, Josh was OK about going.
A lot of his fear was caused by not knowing..
The feeling he could be taken any time - since people kept telling him it would happen soon...
Once he knew for sure, and was told he could keep his phone and have a separate room, he began to let go of the fear.
And I'm glad he was OK
Actually, talking about my feelings
I really liked 'the empty nest' and I really do not like having to navigate around someone's mental health problems during the time I think of as my own!
I personally am quite happy about Josh being in hospital.
If a person is so out of his mind to walk under a bus...there are problems!
I don't expect the hospital to address the underlying issues.
There is a high probability that Josh will learn how to reframe his behavior to fit hospital life (the word is institutionalized).
The best thing the hospital could do is help him find a new direction.
Go with the idea of still being alive as a second chance
The parasuicide as lessons learned...
Focus on associating him with the one who lived, rather than with the one who died.
And I'm beginning to think more people than I'd ever have guessed possible are, at this very moment, thinking of themselves as dead!
And email from a co-worker telling us that last night her heart stopped and she was now OK, in hospital. Then another one saying that ***** (her name) had died.
I emailed back, expecting her mom to answer...or to be told that ***** was dead.
Or to get nothing...
Instead I got a message saying "I'm dead, I died around 11 o'clock last night!"
So...
Yeah...
Is it me?
Or is it a new normal for people to think they are dead!
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