No words.

I don't have any words..
...is how I feel.

Back today at the hospital.
His brother drove down from London...

Service User - now J.Trauma - had lost the sparkle of last night.
The recriminating madness is creeping back.
It broke my heart...

Only I haven't really stopped since coming home.
Busy doing stuff.
Not thinking about, or feeling my wounds.

Sitting here now, tears fill my eyes
And I just want to plead with someone, something to
Please just stop it!
Let him go.

I want my son back before he was drowned in heart-break, disappointments, feelings of not being good enough...drowning into the Vantablack void

Like the light inside him
Shattered

Leaving only something that wants nothing more than to see pain.
Inflicting pain upon itself.
Upon anyone who loves.
Upon anyone in its vicinity.

I understand why possession is a compelling narrative.
The inner force to step in front of a bus came from himself...
Likewise the times when he has said things he knows are too far...
The intention in both cases is to create pain.
It doesn't make any sense.

Freud struggled to make sense of this phenomenon:

We find that the excessively strong super-ego which has obtained a hold upon consciousness rages with the ego with merciless violence, as if it had taken possession of the whole of the sadism available in the person concerned....What is now holding sway in the super-ego is, as it were, a pure culture of the death instinct, and in fact it often enough succeeds in driving the ego into death. S Freud, the Ego and the Id (1923)

The super-ego, is the set of rules and filters that guard the ego and the outside world from the desires of the unconscious Id...the super-ego is full of shoulds and should nots, the cause of denial - of hiding the truth from one's self - the home of painful recriminations and punishment.

But without desire (Libido)
All that is left is Thanatos.

An over-blown super-ego is another way of saying demon, though...