9 minutes past 1 (AM)

Can't sleep.
The evening visit was awful.
His gums were bleeding [he has been hurting himself, and scratching his wounds].

He was shaking.
His face went into spasms.
His neck, too
Because he had just been given 'more medication'..
Akathisia - is an effect of the drugs.

Dopamine...
There isn't anything, any aspect of this part of his journey now, that is OK.
Medication follows a 'diabetes' model (the theory illness is due to a too much or too little of something) without any test to show if a person needs less dopamine in their system.

The degree of powerlessness I feel is immeasurable, it is abysmal - as in the deepest, blackest depths. I was so angry as I sat calmly in the hospital by his side, crushed between his madness and  the madness of 'my culture' which is dissociated and split....and is inadvertently cruel, actually.

Madness is the pus from a wound, being treated as if 'the pus' is the cause..

I'm witnessing the effects of this treatment on my son.
We as parents are unable to speak freely, unable to do anything except maintain 'good order'.
I would be abnormal if I could just go to bed and fall asleep...

My son told me a location to start looking for his soul.
I'm assuming this was where he suffered abuse.
I don't honestly know what I can do to evidence seeking his soul - when souls and damnation  are not a part of my world view.

I'll trust in my unconscious mind to give me the right words...

The only time he calmed down tonight was when he read the prayers I'd found for him, and gave him a little silver crucifix to wear.

My speech is imperfect.Not because I want to shine with words, but out of the impossibility of finding those words, I speak in images.With nothing else can I express the words from the depths.

~Carl Jung, The Red Book, Page 230.